Hmm, well I wrote the title to this 15 minutes ago so I guess I should get on and write some more but I just really don’t feel like writing, or anything else. Better have a go though! So having been interrupted by dinner and a horrifically painful night I guess it’s time to give this another go! It’s only taken 17 hours to get to this point, which I guess it the point really.
There is a certain point after any surgery when you realise that no matter how much you will yourself to be better it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight and as long as you are not better there are certain daily tasks which are also not going to get any easier. So if pushing yourself to get better or do better isn’t going to work it’s very easy to get stuck in a rut of apathy. At this point I know that however much I am healing and whatever degree of effort I put into things I will still be in a brace until the 6th Feb regardless. Until I get to the wound check I can’t bend my leg, I can’t walk any faster, I can’t move my leg to a more comfortable position and I can’t have a shower, nothing is going to change that.
That realisation is kind of like being hit over the head with a rolled up newspaper, it’s somehow humiliating and depressing and degrading. The fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make my leg better right now, nothing I can do to make myself more comfortable. It leads to apathy; I can’t change anything so why bother doing anything?
Apathy is not my friend. Apathy is a bully who wages a psychological war, hoping to make you surrender to it. My challenge is to not let apathy win. Ok so I can’t move my leg, but I can be patient and let it heal itself so that it will be better enough to move at some point in the next few weeks. It’s true I can’t have a shower but I can wash my hair and stay as fresh as possible and focus on the fact that if I just give the glue a few more days to make sure my knee is healing properly I can have a long hot bath and I may also have a much neater scar than if it had been stapled (plus I don’t have to endure the nightmare of staple removal!). It’s hard to get comfortable and the cramp from not moving my leg is horrible but I should end up with a working knee in a few months.
Apathy is a natural feeling when you are stuck in a rut with no way out but it’s not a helpful feeling. I know that if I can just endure the pain and discomfort for a few weeks I could end up with a working knee for a few more years. It’s a long hard trek and it’s far too easy to fall (after all balance is not too great with an ankle to hip straight leg brace) but if I can just remember to drag myself back up one day soon it’ll be worth it. In the meantime it’s a waiting game, but that’s what books were made for! So I’m off to visit a different world, maybe I’ll get to fly with dragons or relax on a warm sunny beach, who knows where I’m going today but wherever it is it will be a place beyond pain, beyond frustration and most of all beyond apathy.
There is a certain point after any surgery when you realise that no matter how much you will yourself to be better it’s not something that’s going to happen overnight and as long as you are not better there are certain daily tasks which are also not going to get any easier. So if pushing yourself to get better or do better isn’t going to work it’s very easy to get stuck in a rut of apathy. At this point I know that however much I am healing and whatever degree of effort I put into things I will still be in a brace until the 6th Feb regardless. Until I get to the wound check I can’t bend my leg, I can’t walk any faster, I can’t move my leg to a more comfortable position and I can’t have a shower, nothing is going to change that.
That realisation is kind of like being hit over the head with a rolled up newspaper, it’s somehow humiliating and depressing and degrading. The fact that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make my leg better right now, nothing I can do to make myself more comfortable. It leads to apathy; I can’t change anything so why bother doing anything?
Apathy is not my friend. Apathy is a bully who wages a psychological war, hoping to make you surrender to it. My challenge is to not let apathy win. Ok so I can’t move my leg, but I can be patient and let it heal itself so that it will be better enough to move at some point in the next few weeks. It’s true I can’t have a shower but I can wash my hair and stay as fresh as possible and focus on the fact that if I just give the glue a few more days to make sure my knee is healing properly I can have a long hot bath and I may also have a much neater scar than if it had been stapled (plus I don’t have to endure the nightmare of staple removal!). It’s hard to get comfortable and the cramp from not moving my leg is horrible but I should end up with a working knee in a few months.
Apathy is a natural feeling when you are stuck in a rut with no way out but it’s not a helpful feeling. I know that if I can just endure the pain and discomfort for a few weeks I could end up with a working knee for a few more years. It’s a long hard trek and it’s far too easy to fall (after all balance is not too great with an ankle to hip straight leg brace) but if I can just remember to drag myself back up one day soon it’ll be worth it. In the meantime it’s a waiting game, but that’s what books were made for! So I’m off to visit a different world, maybe I’ll get to fly with dragons or relax on a warm sunny beach, who knows where I’m going today but wherever it is it will be a place beyond pain, beyond frustration and most of all beyond apathy.
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